Hi folks! Well it’s been a while since I last wrote and that’s because just about everything that could change in my life, has, and now I am faced with the opportunity to re-write my own story, my own life.
Sometimes you have no choice but to embrace change or have it bite you on the arse, I know which I prefer. When the rug got pulled out from beneath me recently, I viewed it as a chance to do it all differently. You can see me as fortunate perhaps that I don’t have dependents and can take this chance, but we adjust our dreams according to our circumstances.
I received some really helpful and insightful help from a publisher recently. I had sent my book to her and she had replied that it wasn’t their genre, but somehow we established a dialogue. First she read the first 3 chapters, and then asked for the book. I knew she wasn’t going to be able to publish it, but to have a publisher take the time away from all the books she needs to read, to help an aspiring author and read the book with a critical eye meant the world to me.
She was complimentary regarding my writing style, which was encouraging, and was supportive of the content, but she did point out that the hard-hitting storylines, despite being very detailed, were somehow detached, and that made sense, When you are writing about some of the most painful experiences in your life, or drawing from them, and you’ve written it over and over again in various different ways, there comes a point where to do it, you are somehow anesthetized, you don’t even realise your doing it, but you switch your feelings off, otherwise you might be a gibbering wreck!
So whilst her criticism was very constructive, it made me realise that to ever do it justice, I would have to rewrite it and explore the feelings, all over again, and to be honest, at this point in my life I’m kinda bored with my old story. I want a new one. I want the life I dreamed of as a child. I’m going back to the beginning. There is no right time in life, there is only now and I intend to grab life by the round and danglies and seize the moment.
That’s the positive side of losing nearly everything, it makes you evaluate where you are and how you got there. Sometimes, long-established dreams need to be let go of. The dream I had 10 years ago, no longer fits the person I am now, and the needs I have now are different from what they were 10 years ago.
I always used writing as a means of personal therapy, my way of seeing the woods through the trees, but because it came from a need and I never trained or studied it, I never realised all the other possibilities for it. From this blog I realised I really enjoyed writing dark and twisty stuff!
I still have a need to write. But for now I need to get my head down and sort out getting an income. I have ideas, but they need to be able to support what I really want to do, and that’s to act. I know I need training, i wish I could afford to do the whole theatre school thing so I could really learn all the possible skills. Who knows, maybe with training I might find that I’m better as a film script writer, or a producer or maybe even a Director. Who knows, many actors do follow those paths.
I’m not dreaming of being some amazing lead. I’m grateful to be at a point in my life where my ego left the building years ago, so all that focus on appearance isn’t there. I can play an old crone and love it. To earn a living doing something like that, that I love, that would be pretty cool.
So, when I’ve got the work thing to support the acting thing and a few other major life situations sorted out, i may well immerse myself in horror books to learn the styles looked for by chosen publishers.
But personally, I now have a list of possibilities scribbled down on a big empty page, and though I’m half way through my life, it’s never too late to say ‘sod it! let’s do it!’ I want to have some fun whilst I’m here, I want to write that story the little girl in me hoped I’d write and didn’t!